Unconventional Job Application

As a happily unemployed member of society I frequently scour the internet for small jobs and gigs to make ends meet.  The other day I stumbled across a flickering ad in the top left corner of my screen calling for a geeky master of ceremonies to host trivia nights at local bars.  I did some research, and the company seemed legitimate so I filled out and submitted my application.  They responded within the hour.

 

Please explain any relevant experience:

“When I was 12 years old I taught myself how to hack into my father’s computer so I could watch porn late at night while everyone else was sleeping. It wasn’t even real pornography; just celebrity heads Photoshopped over porn-star bodies. I believe this is the first experience that can be relevant, unless you will count the previous six years of being the ‘socially awkward’ kid in public school who eats Chapstick. I was usually the last one picked in gym class (unless Amanda “Shits-her-pants” was there) and I still have horrible acne.

In college I was an avid member of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Gamers Guild where I spent four years nurturing my psionic druid elf Unicornicopia in the Land of Tabithion. My party consisted of mostly chaotic-good screw ups who knew nothing about playing to their alignment. 1st Advanced. I learned to yearn for a purple Magic deck, but resorted to a deck of blue faeries out of feminine principle. I hosted four radio shows at my college radio station. I was a co-host on the daily morning show, I produced and hosted a variety NPR-type format, my alter ego Rainbow Sparkles was the voice of The RPM Facemelt: an hour of electronica, and I was one of four hosts on Lovercall a sex and relationships talk show. During the two years I co-hosted Lovercall I was the resident guinea pig/kink expert.  Not always mutually exclusive.  I tried everything from cherry cola flavored diaphragms to vajazzling. From blind dating to speed dating to online dating. These three in particular made me very adept at meeting ugly people when expecting them to be attractive. When hitting on someone, I ask for Steam IDs not phone numbers.

I built my own computer. I spent two years writing news for print and radio, then moved into a career in tech support. Now I am going back to school so I can get my Cisco CCNA certification.  Don’t tell me you don’t find me sexy.  I don’t always play video games, but when I do I prefer RPGs. There is something nostalgic about Diablo II that makes me prefer it to it’s successor. I stole my ex-boyfriends Xbox hard drive because I couldn’t bear to lose the 200+ hours I clocked on Skyrim. I chose to play a mage-theif-type plot line and spent considerable amounts of time working on becoming self sufficient in game as to reflect my personal goals in life. I have modeled my virtual home after my own apartment and did the best I could to craft a character very similar to a much slimmer version of myself. I am in the 2 year club on Reddit, and my cake day is coming up soon. I have seen every episode of all the Stargates, Startreks, Freaks and Geeks, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Battlestar Galactica, Big Bang Theory, everything Joss Whedon is involved in, Farscape…I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. I wish Firefly had been allowed a few more seasons.

I own more than four shirts with unicorns on them. I can drink an impressive amount of Whiskey and still keep a cool exterior. I am probably the funniest geek you will ever meet.”

Posted on January 31, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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